Lost for now

*some of this is a little graphic

Most of you know that Eric and I were expecting our second child in April and a few less of you know that we lost the baby this past week.  I thought it might be easier if I let people read about it here instead of telling the story a million times so I don't burst into tears every time.

First let me start off by saying I did not ever expect to have a miscarriage.  I didn't even know of any body that had miscarried so it just wasn't even on my radar.  I am healthy, we already have a child and I was sicker than a dog (which people say is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy.) 

Things started to go down hill on our last two days of our trip to San Fransisco.  (I plan on blogging about that later.)  I got really really sick on Sunday and I couldn't keep anything down for a while.  On Thursday I developed a fever and read online how that can endanger a pregnancy in the first trimester.  Of course I freaked out and called Eric.  He left work early and took me to the ER. 

They gave me fluids and some stronger meds (I had Zofran from the day before that weren't doing a thing) and they took my blood and ran some tests.  They said that I did have a virus but because I didn't have any lower abdominal pain that the baby was probably just fine.  I relaxed and went home and started to recover.

Then on Labor Day I was at Eric's grandparents and had some slight spotting.  I freaked out even though I knew that lots of women spot and it might not mean anything.  Then that night I started cramping.  At that point I knew I didn't have a big chance of carrying this baby.  I went to see my doctor for an ultrasound on Tuesday morning. 

Dr. McCarter did his best to find a heart beat and I'm sure he looked longer than was necessary but it just wasn't there.  We did get to see him on the screen and he had a head, arms, and legs.  I wanted him.   I didn't know miscarriage really felt like losing a baby.   But it does.  I'm so grateful I had Eric with me.  He had his hand on my head, and even though he wasn't giving me a blessing, I felt his priesthood power comforting me.  Dr. McCarter let me know that losing the baby was in no way my fault.  It couldn't have been prevented and my sickness the week before probably didn't even effect it.  It was comforting to know at least I couldn't blame myself because that was my first reaction. 

The Dr gave us some time to regain our composure and then came back to give me some options.  I could go through with natural miscarriage and he could give me some pain meds, or I could do D&C and they would clean me out.  The idea of vacuuming out my baby made me want to hurl (that is not to judge anyone who has gone that route.  Emotionally it can be a lot easier than waiting for your body to recognize that the baby has died.  It's probably easier physically too, I found out.) 

I might have more seriously considered that option if I had known how incredibly painful it is to go through a miscarriage.  I've been told it is similar to labor because your body is getting ready to push out a baby.  I had very painful and intense contractions for two hours on Wednesday about every 30 seconds.  Those pain meds barely took the edge off.  I didn't realize they were contractions so it took me a while to figure out that I needed to try to relax and breath through them.  That helped.  I delivered what I think was the baby that day and Thursday I was still having contractions that I had to breath through.  I delivered the placenta on Friday morning and I've been just fine since except for minor cramping similar to a very heavy menstrual cycle.

Emotionally, I think I'm pretty much back to normal except when I think or talk about it too much.  I know I will get to raise that baby some day I'm grateful for the experience for a few reasons. The first was that it brought Eric and I closer together as we leaned on each other for support.  I also know how loved we are by family and friends from all the help and support we received.  We received meals, plants, flowers, service, baby sitting, hugs, phone calls and love from so many people and we feel truly blessed that have such a great support.  I'm also so grateful that we were married in the Temple and that families are forever.  I appreciate Mabel more than ever and I look forward to expanding our family in the future.

Anyway, thank you to everyone that has been there for us.  We truly love you and I hope to be able to serve all of you.

Love Katie