Do over

I've been feeling pretty baby hungry lately.  My sister-in-law just had my cute little baby niece and she is such a doll!
I was thinking more about Mabel's birth and I feel kind of out of the mommy loop because I was never actually in labor.  I have no idea what a real contraction feels like and I wasn't even awake to hear her first cry.  I wasn't the first to hold her and I wasn't even the second or third.  I sent Eric into the special care nursery with a camera after she was 12 hours old and asked him to take a picture so I could see what she looked like.  She was hooked up to monitors and I was still too sick to move.
At the time, everything was so scary and crazy that I didn't mind all this.  I remember my midwife asking if I was okay because a lot of mothers feel cheated and sad when things don't go as planned.  At the time, I was just so relieved that we got her out in time and that I didn't have to be in labor that I had no problem assuring the midwife that I was perfectly fine about it.  And I was. 
Now I feel a little a sad about it.   For our next baby, I want to be awake and I want that moment where they hand you the baby and your husband takes the pictures and you look absolutely terrible but so happy to be holding your newborn. I want him/her to be in the little basket next to my bed. I do not want my baby hooked up to IVs and monitors.  I don't want to be so drugged that I can't remember what anyone is saying to me.
All things considered, I'm still very incredibly grateful for modern medicine and the people who got Mabel get here safely and I know I was lucky.  She was 4 weeks early and didn't have any problems and I recovered quickly as well. 
Eric and I are thinking more seriously about expanding our little family in the near future and I'm scared.  Scared things will go wrong again and we won't be so lucky but I'm hoping and praying that our next miracle will come to us without any more problems.